Dadspotting - My first Mother's Day without my Mom.
We know this is a tough time for many people. We asked one of our Dadspotting writers to share his thoughts on this Mother's Day as a tribute to his Mother who he recently lost.
RE : My Mom
This is my first Mother’s Day without my mom.
Hard to read that line.
Even harder to type it.
Undeservedly taken far too young from all of us by that usual suspect – the Voldemort of diseases - you know, the one that shall not be named.
We’re living through the 3 R’s of loss right now; Regret, Remembrance, and Reflection.
Thankfully not a ton of Regret, other than a lingering bitterness of the wrong one being shortchanged.
Remembrance is the easy one. Memories flood back everyday. Regardless of what kind, they all bring a warmth that comes from the affection that she embedded every moment with. Life is a lot easier to live when you go about your day knowing someone love’s you more than life itself.
Reflection is the tough one because it requires scrutiny of yourself; a level of introspection, self-awareness and honesty that can be uncomfortable, opening yourself up to thoughts and feelings you may not like.
I distilled it down to one question:
Was I a good son?
I came to the conclusion that the answer is yes but not in the way that you’d think. Sure, I ate my vegetables as a kid, stayed out of trouble as a teen and later, as an adult, called her on her birthday.
These are all nice things, but in the end, they don’t mean a thing. Trust me, there was no conversation on her deathbed about how neat I kept my bedroom when I was ten.
The reason for that yes can be found in my role as a father, a role that I continue to work on as I’m far from perfect and a role that I came to realize she greatly influenced, not through words, but deeds and actions.
She taught me…
Family, first and foremost. Full stop.
Teach resiliency through accountability, emphasize respect and above all, be polite.
Make the right decision, not the popular one. It’s okay for your kids not to like you, it’ll pass eventually.
Lead by example. If you don’t want your kids smoking, don’t smoke. Credibility is key. ‘Do as I say not as I do’ doesn’t really work in the long run.
Get down on the floor and play.
Show affection and be affectionate.
Laugh at life, but especially, laugh at yourself.
Prioritize your kids but do it without sacrificing your own needs or your needs as couple.
I also learned from her imperfections. She didn’t do everything right and that’s okay.
Broken windows, spilled milk and ripped clothes can all be fixed. Rec rooms can be tidied up.
Not every burp, etiquette slip and less than ideal behaviour is a personal affront. Kids do dumb things for lots of reasons, mainly, because they’re kids. Not every misdemeanor requires retribution.
Don’t live in the past as a detriment from living in the present. Life moves along - enjoy your memories, take pride in your accomplishments and learn to ‘move on’.
I’m glad she wasn’t perfect because I learned she was a human being with human emotions, slights, baggage, regrets, jealousies, bitterness, envy and insecurity – everything that made her unique and made me understand that parents need to be three-dimensional. Your kids will benefit from living with a fully-formed adult – it offers reassurance which gives them strength and confidence.
Ultimately I learned from her that my single job as a dad is to produce adjusted, tough, resilient people with the tools to survive in an ultra-competitive world. That was her legacy.
Oh, and keep the house somewhat clean, you never know who may stop in.